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DAVE'S PAGE O' SIMPSONS QUOTES
http://www.snpp.com/episodes.html


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Corgan: Hey, Homer, looks like our next stop is your hometown, Springfield.
D'Arcy: Is it true that we have to bring our own water?
Homer: We got a little rule back home: if it's brown, drink it down; if it's black, send it back.
-- Springfield, still a national proudness, "Homerpalooza"
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Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on people, somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra... posssibly while high. Cypress Hill... I'm looking in your direction. -- Backstage at Hullabalooza, "Homerpalooza"


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Lisa: No I can't! I can't eat any of them!
Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you saying you're *never* going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
Homer: [Chuckles] Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
-- Of species porcine, "Lisa the Vegetarian"
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Bart dances in.
Bart: [Musically.] You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! [Homer, {and then Marge, join in.}]
Lisa: {Mom!}
Marge: {I don't mean to take sides, I just got caught up in the rhythm.}
-- The island rhythm, "Lisa the Vegetarian"
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Lisa: Dad! Can't you have some other type of party, one where you don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
-- Homer coins a catch phrase., "Lisa the Vegetarian"
Bart and Homer race wildly after Lisa until she pushes the pig grill off the top of a slope. The pig passes through a hedge.
Homer: It's just a little dirty. It's still good, it's still good! [Passes traffic, jumps a bridge and lands in the water.] It's just a little slimy, it's still good, it's still good! [It gets caught in a dam spillway, and when the pressure builds, it shoots into the sky.] It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good!
Bart: [Crestfallen.] It's gone.Homer: I know.
-- Courting disaster, "Lisa the Vegetarian"
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The family is gathered around the breakfast table.
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: [Wearily] Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: [To Homer] You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not, not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case!
Bart: Uhhh, Dad. Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart! Go to your room.
Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad!
Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbeque wrecking, no-nothing know-it-all!
Lisa: That's IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore. I'm out of here! [Leaves and slams the door.]
Homer: That's it! Go to your room!
-- Mouth before -- oh, forget it, "Lisa the Vegetarian"
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Cecil: Hello, brother. All's well, I trust?
Bob: It most certainly is not. The workmen you've given me don't know their asses from the hole in the ground they blew up yesterday.
Cecil: Come now, you speak as if they were nothing but a gaggle of slack-jawed yokels.
Cletus: Mister Terwillidjer, come quick. There's trouble down to the See-Ment mixer, sir!
-- "The Brother From Another Series"
Cletus: See, cousin Merl and me, we were playing fetch with Geech. That's our old smell-hound. And... [said dog has become one big cement dog statue]
Merl: Geech gone to heaven, Mister Terwillidjer.
Bob: Oh, cousin Merl, really!
Cecil: Temper, temper. You know cousin Merl `ain't been quite right' lately.
-- "The Brother From Another Series"
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Burns continues to degenerate. [Mr. Burns hold a model airplane] Burns: Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the "Spruce Moose", and it will carry two hundred passengers from New York's Idyllwild Airport to the Belgian Congo in seventeen minutes! Smithers: That's quite a nice model, sir. Burns: Model? -- Burns' brain, slowly pickling, "$pringfield"
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Homer is nearing the edge of the green grid.
Homer: [panicky] Oh my God, I'm going to be sucked into a black hole, I'm going to be sucked into oblivion, I'm going to be nothing, and what's going to be coming out the other side, I don't know!
Bart: I'll save you, Dad! [climbs onto XYZ street sign] I can't get any closer...you'll have to jump!
Homer: Piece of cake, son. [runs into hole, breaks into pieces] Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap -- [the world explodes in a flash as Bart gets pulled back]
Marge: Bart! What happened?
Bart: Well...we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic!
Homer: [disembodied] Craaaap!
Marge: Oh, Homey.
Lovejoy: Be strong, Marge: I'm sure he's gone to a better place. [lightening fizzles; Homer appears in our world, screaming, and falls into a dumpster]
Homer: D'oh! [gets out] Ew...this is the worst place yet.
-- He's got that right., "Treehouse of Horror VI"
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Bart bids a tearful goodbye to Stampy outside the animal refuge. Stampy reaches for him and Bart cringes, expecting to be put in his mouth once again, but instead Stampy lifts him on his back. The elephant runs into the pasture, spilling Bart off, and starts butting another elephant. "Attaboy, Stampy! Butt him once for me!"

[Stampy butts another elephant]
Marge: Gosh, I thought he'd be happier in his true habitat.
Warden: Oh, I think he is.
Marge: Then why is he attacking all those other elephants?
Warden: Well, animals are not like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated...but, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson. [Homer butts the warden repeatedly]
-- "Jerk" about sums it up, "Bart Gets an Elephant"
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Both children smile, throw aside their equipment, and hug. "Great game, Lis." "Great game, Bart." The buzzer sounds
Man 1: What the heck is a tie game?
Man 2: Tie game?
Woman 1: What the hell?
Woman 2: This is outrageous!
Marge: Oh, I've never been so proud of them.
Homer: [weeping] They're both losers. Losers!
Abe: Rip-off!
Hans: We paid for blood!
Wiggum: Let's tear this place apart!
Abe: Good idea!
-- A good-old hockey riot, "Lisa on Ice"
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At the next hockey game, Homer walks into the dressing room with Lisa to lay down some rules.
Homer: OK, hotshots, now that my daughter is on your team, I want to make a few things clear.
Lisa: [embarrassed] Please, Dad, I'll be fine
Homer: [makes negative mumbling noises at Lisa] I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different: no jokes, no taunting -- [spots Uter] [guffaws] Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? [chases Uter, laughing] Come here, you butterball.
Uter: [screams] Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate!
-- Uter and the chocolate explosion, "Lisa on Ice"
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Bart is fed up.
"I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins, my Krusty Kalculator didn't have a seven or an eight, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far!" -- Bart, ``Kamp Krusty''
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Bart's parents question his actions.
Marge: Bart, did you trick an Australian boy into accepting a $900 collect call?
Bart: Yes, 'm.
Homer: [looking at globe] Hmm, there it is: Aus-tra-li-a. I'll be damned. [spins globe, laughs] Look at this country! ["Uruguay"] U-R-Gay. [laughs]
-- Homer, phonetic reader, "Bart vs. Australia"
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Bart and Lisa gasp, look at one another, then cheer and jump on the bed, sure they've won their parents over.

Marge: Now wait a minute, I'm not sure about this. Every time we've ever gone on vacation I end up being horribly embarrassed. We end up in a big fight and we come home more miserable than when we left. You have to promise me that this isn't going to happen this time.
Homer: Embarrassed? What are you talking about?
Marge: Well, there was our trip to the Amish country...
Homer: Oh, yeah... [flashback to Homer sticking ice cream cones on a man's head]
Homer: Heh heh heh, hey look, Marge! They're still not fighting back. [shoves another ice cream cone on man's cheek] Hee hee! I can be a jerk and no one can stop me! [laughs] [a mule kicks him hard]
Marge: Even worse was our trip to Sandy Beach... [flashback to people in ocean being frightened off by a shark fin]
Homer: [coming out of the water wearing a mask and a strap-on fin] [laughs] Suckers.
Bart: [swimming up beside Homer, also with mask and fin] [laughs]
Homer: Aah! Sharkboy! [runs off in a panic]

-- The dreaded Homo Sharkus, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Marge: This year I want us to do things together as a family, and get a lot of good exercise outdoors so we'll have a lot of wonderful memories of our vacation.
Bart: Don't worry Mom, we'll make you proud of us. [Homer packs a suitcase and lists off the items]
Homer: Lobster hat, Fishnet Speedo Junior[tm], wheelie shoes, "Invisible Dog" leash...[laughs] Well, I'm packed.

-- Packed for embarrassment, certainly, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
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Cesspool on the Potomac (Lisa Simpson, Springfield)

The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp some 200 years ago, and very little has changed. It stank then, and it stinks now. [gasps from the crowd] Only today, it is the fetid stench of corruption [pounds lectern with fist] that hangs in the air.

Bart: Cool, a ruckus!
[later]
Lisa: And who did I see taking a bribe but the [makes quotation sign with fingers] ``Honorable'' Bob Arnold! [gasps from the crowd] Don't worry, Congressman, I'm sure you can buy all the votes you need with your dirty money! And this will be one nation, under the dollar, with liberty and justice for none... [booed off the stage]
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Faith gives the Simpsons their VIP badges.
Faith: These are special VIP badges. They'll get you into places other tourists never see.
Homer: Miss, what does the `I' stand for? Faith: Important.
Homer: Ooh. How about the `V'? Faith: Very.
Homer: Oh. And Miss, just one more question.
Faith: Person.
Homer: Ah... What does the `I' stand for again?
-- Short term um, what's that called... ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'
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Lisa directs their attention to something you don't see everyday: a flame-propelled cabin surfing down the mountain.

Homer: Oh Lord, protect this rockethouse and all who dwell within the rockethouse
Smithers: It's them, all right.
Marge: We're over here, Homie!
Lenny: Oh, something's wrong with its breaks! Gangway!
-- They ain't makin' rockethouses like in the good ol' days, "Mountain of Madness"
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Back on stage, Frampton's having some problems with his show, as his "pig" pedal doesn't do anything.
Frampton: God. Homer Simpson wrecks my pig, Cypress Hill steals my orchestra, and Sonic Youth's in my cooler! Get out of there, you kids!
Moore: Aw, come on, Mr. Frampton. You're not gonna eat all that watermelon.
Frampton: Please, I'm trying to perform!
Shelley: Go ahead. We'll stay here and guard your cooler. [they all dig in]
-- "Homerpalooza"
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Homer: I'll miss you, Pumpkins, but I just can't share your bleak world view. I've got too much to live for.
Corgan: We envy you, Homer. All we have is our music, our legions of fans, our million of dollars and our youth. [pause] Woo-Hoo!
Iha: Let's all go out and buy fur coats!
Chamberlin: I want a walk-in humidor.
-- So much for _that_ plan, "Homerpalooza"
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Bart: Do you wear boxers or briefs?
Homer: [checking] Nope.
Bart: What religion are you?
Homer: You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life. Uh... Christianity.
-- "Homerpalooza"
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Cut to Homer entering "The Vast Waistband", a clothing store.

Homer: I'm looking for something loose and billowy, something comfortable for my first day of work.
Salesman: Work, huh? Let me guess. Computer programmer, computer magazine columnist, something with computers?
Homer: Well, I use a computer.
Salesman: [quietly, to self] Yeah, what's the connection? Must be the non-stop sitting and snacking. [more audibly] Well, sir, many of our clients find pants confining, so we offer a range of alternatives for the ample gentleman: ponchos, muumuus, capes, jumpsuits, unisheets, muslim body rolls, academic and judicial robes --
Homer: I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with a muumuu.
-- Homer, inconspicuous, "King-Size Homer"
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Homer uses a broom to hit at the keyboard in the general vicinity of the "Y" key. Several kids gather outside to watch him through the window.

Milhouse: Uh...what's your dad's job again?
Bart: He's a nuclear safety technician.
Nelson: What's he doing with that broom?
Bart: [sheepish] Uh...what isn't he doing?
Jimbo: I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman. [laughs, gives Nelson a high five]
Lisa: Hey, leave my dad alone. Just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad: he's a sweet man and he has real feelings.
Homer: [inside] Hey, what are you kids looking at?
Milhouse: Hey, look he's trying to get up and yell at us!
Homer: Don't make me close that shade! [pokes window with broom, then loses interest]
-- Idle threats -- literally, "King-Size Homer"
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